Let Us Find

Faith has always been my saving grace The reason for everything that didn't and couldn't make sense My ultimate motivation that transcended what others would have told me wasn't worth it. Faith brought my family from Douala, Cameroon to Portsmouth, Virginia An assurance that the loving God who provided for you in intelligence, in success, in luck Would provide for you even in this new, challenging place, with much fruit to be harvested. I always would run towards that fruit. The fruit my parents put in front of me from the moment I could add. Seeking success, accomplishment, but most importantly, being able to seek while still being a "good" person. After the lectures, I defined it for myself: Just because I have to succeed doesn't mean I have to trample others on the way It doesn't even mean that I will not need to ask for help. I had the faith that I was capable, and because of this capability, and because of this faith, I did. I pursued...

I think it was selfish and quite frankly, nonsensical of me to be so dedicated and want to be dedicatedto tumblr and the tumblr world for so long. I mean like when I am older and have kids, do I REALLY wanna tell them that i spent the BEST years of my life wishing I was somewhere else? Somewhere that didn't exist? Wishing I was part of something that only existed in the gateway between my brain and the interwebz? How dumb, how reckless. How ungrateful, reckless. I'd rather have been smelling flowers; intoxicationg my mind with loves, thoughts, and imagined things by me and those around me that I could touch, feel, and share. All true, original, genuine. I should have known better; one of the first posts I ever saw was one saying originality is dead. Life in that world was doomed from the start.

You are so much more beautiful than I ever gave you credit for You are more loving than I could ever imagine Seriously, It overwhelms my soul filling me with gratitude how could I ever hesitate about the importance of showing you to your people spreading you gospel is spreading love, the most uncanny, incomprehensible kind. I see you work in my life I stand amazed, awestruck, humbled How could I not see this before You are a God of gods, a lord of lords, A lord of love. Help me see, help me remember, realize, that you are the GREAT I AM. You don't need my affirmation to be the great being that you are, nor do you need my good works to work good in my own life Your light shines, PIERCES through darkness, through aches and pains, your goodness, BEAUTY shines through. I don't know the words to explain, I want to exclaim, but I am found speechless, unable to do WHO THAT YOU ARE justice. God, Almighty. Alpha AND Omega Yahweh holy? HOLY. is this what it means to be Holy. and yet yo...

bitterness, bitterness, anger, helplessness the love we had left me sore depression, frustration, too familiar feelings now leaving me to doubt our beginning Weary, faithless, perpetually forgiving you let me depend on my own decided how unworthy you were of my trust yet stood as a reason to give us no rest Is it possible to spend time apart? Would we survive- or break down? would we bother coming back around. I need the distance, for a sanity check I also still need to continue paying the rent. Why couldn't you just have made it simple believed in yourself, believed in Good Over Evil? From the very first glance, made everything clear not denying either of us a chance to disappear I want to wish for a disconnection now I know it's too late  the poison spread between us binding our states. I'm too nice and too scared, and you don't care. 

Yes. I have a tumblr. Anyway, not the point. This picture. I hate it. It's everything I want and everything I tell myself I can't stand. If someone was to film my life on a summer day, I would wish to see myseld like this. Carefree, beautiful. With the guy...though sometimes I don't even know what kind of guy that would be. But this would be nice. Someone I feel comfortable and daring and able with; Nice and fun and good enough to keep me from drawing back into my world of thoughts an concerns. I would like being in that zone where I trust myself enough and feel trusted enough that together, we could feel like we could do anything we really wanted. We could race down the street, yell at neighbor's dog, scare the crap out of the neighbors cat and act like we were trying to buy liquor. Someone who, like me, knows the boundaries, plays with them, but never cross them. We'd never take ourselves too seriously, unless we needed to. Get into heated arguments abo...