Who I am and nothing else

I am interested in redefining what I experience as Success.

Can I will myself to step outside of the box of what decades of institution have told me is success?
To excel, surpass average, and garner respect.

I am interested in those in-between's. The make-up of those stepping stones that success requires me to jump over, two-at a time, to reach the top.

What is lying there, in the wake of man and woman's high-speed chase for the top of the cyclical chain?

Can I be satisfied to inquire, to learn and to develop?
or must I keep fighting with the same tools I started out with, to breathe, i mean to win?

I don't think there's a judge i'm interested in pleasing any longer
I think I've mostly been wanting to prove myself earnest, hardworking, and capable. Honorable.

Of what, it didn't matter, as long as it was the harder thing, until now.
Now, I just want to prove myself, me.

But i'm not sure who that is
But i'm not sure I can, physically.
and I'm not sure I am able, ready or willing to give up everything to try.

So who is earnest and hardworking now? Am I capable?

Is there anything more honorable than being genuine with oneself and with the work I do?

I'm interested in people, but scared of failure.

And it's precisely what I'm talking about here, this fear of failure, and how I can overcome it. How I should overcome it. Because it is keeping me from being genuine. Because I am hardworking after all, right? Right.

I'm not sure exactly, what it is I want to do. But I know, I KNOW, I don't want to keep doing what I've been taught just because it's what I once did, with the intent of making moves and being great.

I want to dig deeper within myself, for what I yearn for -in myself and those outside me; personal impact, personal discovery.

It takes less gall to jump through hoops, than it does to know oneself. And I've been getting tired of chasing after hoops for a while now.

Every time I look inside myself, I can't find anything that looks like what I for so long thought was there.  I've tried ignoring and denying it, thinking it HAS to be there.
I don't think it is and i don't think it ever will really be.
And I can't think of a reason why I should keep pretending.
I don't want to feel guilty anymore and I don't think I need to.

Why should I enslave myself to a path I don't belong in?
Isn't there something genuine and more fulfilling for my heart, mind, body and soul to work  on and devote themselves to? There has to be.
No one is made to endure forcing themselves to do something, to love something and deprecating themselves for failing at either.
Aren't we made just to be who we are?

I will let myself think on who I am, and I will strive to be that person, and nothing else.