Time

The worst part about believing what I believe is that I can't pretend not to. 

Religion is one thing, but faith... that's completely different. It's definitely gutsier.
A lot of people get like respect for standing for their religion and being civil about it. But I mean, there's nothing to that. Anyone could decide to call themselves Christian, love/tolerate everyone they meet, go to church frequently and give alms to the poor.

But the faith that's at the core of it all; the truth and the commitment. That's the scary part. I think that all members in the religion are looking for this thing, a lot without even knowing it. Some know it from day one (of being saved) and can spend their whole lives rejoicing over a discovery that others couldn't begin to comprehend. But for the rest of us, this truth, and the NECESSITY of committing to it is something that, after long hard lives of struggling and thinking we were doing good enough and sacrificing....it's just hard to swallow once you discover it.
And I have.
Thinking about it becomes a physical strain; it makes me want to give up everything I ever thought I worked for. I feel that it's necessary for me to tear myself apart, clean everything out and start over. I find it hard to look at things the same way, to take any of the "struggles" i see or take part in daily. It makes me want to shout from the rooftops that "IT DOESN'T MATTER!"*

A simple question. It all started with a simple question. I heard it first in a gospel song; when I heard it I felt something but let it quickly slip away into the perfunctory oblivion of the baptist church service...(no offense Grove). But then I went to bible study. I was supposed to be going to the teenage session, but found myself in the adult session, and unwilling to go anywhere else.

Are you a natural being having a spiritual experience, or a spiritual being having a natural experience?
hint: if you're trying to rationalize this in any scientific way, you're doing it wrong. 

Okay. For a young college student from a high religious family who had just spent her freshman year defining her religion for herself, had gone on her first church-paid mission trip, was learning to trust God in relationships, and schoolwork and personal issues, and had occasionally lead her family's intense weekly devotions...well it shouldn't be a very mind-boggling question right?

Never. I had never thought of myself a spiritual being. In my head, I was always a mere human being. natural. prone to error, to sin**, and desperately in need of mercy and guidance from above. Now, taken bit by bit, this isn't very far off at all from the description of man according to like... everything, even the bible itself.
** side-note.  i like defining what I mean by sin whenever I use the word: anywhere from white lies to murder. Homosexuality? I DUNNO! ; refer to (*), along with the rest of this post. 


So as a result of me thinking this way, my entire life as a Christian and wannabeChristian had been hell (except not really). It was a constant battle of me against myself, and against time. First, trying to prove myself and my ability in beauty, and intelligence and righteousness and blah blah blah. Then, constantly beating myself up about doing the "right" thing and why I wasn't able to even think the "right" thing or feel the "right" thing; "why am I so sinful". And after this was my most recent disposition; wavering between my attempt to get to know God more, and my attempt to be okay with the world and my own worldliness.

I was acting like a natural being striving for that spiritual experience. Now, I sat there at bible study and heard as people talked about how they and we are all spiritual beings having natural experiences.

And I couldn't accept it. I couldn't. I still don't know if I have. because that's scary!

A spiritual being. One who is... OF God the creator.
With His power, and purity, and magnificence, and we're connected to HIM who has all answers and created everything, and HOW DA EFF CAN I BE HOLY?
And yet, that's what it means to be a spiritual being. It means you suffer not of this world, nor take pride or settle for finding joy in the natural things that this world offers. It means you're above insecurities, and tiredness and doubts because you are OF God. It means your wealth from the natural realm, so mortal and vulnerable is like a grain of sand compared to the satisfaction and serenity and fulfillment that IS because you are OF God.

It was hard for me to even grasp unto the idea of how in the world one could even try to achieve such a state and how to even bear the idea of not needing to worry about the issues of life. 
Then, it was read straight from that bible:  He ORDERS us to be holy. It is not that our actions or our perfunctory bible readings and offerings herd us towards becoming spiritual, sacred, holy beings. But God, through Jesus Christ, orders us that as he has saved us, he has made us holy, so that we are ordered to be holy.

Can you believe that.

The only reason I was able to wrap my head around it was because...well deep down I guess I knew it all along/ it made sense. remember the first book of Genesis? One of the few parts of the bible that a lot of people, even non-believers tend to accept? it goes like this:

So God created mankind in his own image

so...duh, Gaelle, duh. 

With a truth like that, how can I even pretend not to believe. If I'm a spiritual being, what am I doing wasting so much time obsessing over these natural experiences?

**side-note: Now do you see why a spiritual being really wouldn't be worrying about things like sexuality? IT DOESN'T MATTER.