Let Us Find

I don't know who to turn to. I don't know how. I don't know. What is trust? Est-ce que ça existe hors de notre reconnaissance? Is it the bond that forms through enough time spent together through enough shared experiences, commonalities Does it build off the length of long, deep conversations over sitting with one another, pondering the state of some remarkable thought, belief, idea, fact. Does it supersede and transcend motion, mistakes, distance, flaws and insecurities? Does it allow us to overlook the things that would make two strangers decide against talking to each other. Or is it an idea? Something to keep our conscience busy with every encounter we make. A pleasant presence to complement relationships. To validate our vulnerability, if only for a moment. Until perhaps we build up the gumption to stand, take and hold for ourselves, (after some event that provided a transparent enough reason) How is nurtured? Through love? Compassion or sympathy? ...

bitterness, bitterness, anger, helplessness the love we had left me sore depression, frustration, too familiar feelings now leaving me to doubt our beginning Weary, faithless, perpetually forgiving you let me depend on my own decided how unworthy you were of my trust yet stood as a reason to give us no rest Is it possible to spend time apart? Would we survive- or break down? would we bother coming back around. I need the distance, for a sanity check I also still need to continue paying the rent. Why couldn't you just have made it simple believed in yourself, believed in Good Over Evil? From the very first glance, made everything clear not denying either of us a chance to disappear I want to wish for a disconnection now I know it's too late  the poison spread between us binding our states. I'm too nice and too scared, and you don't care. 

The worst part about believing what I believe is that I can't pretend not to.  Religion is one thing, but faith... that's completely different. It's definitely gutsier. A lot of people get like respect for standing for their religion and being civil about it. But I mean, there's nothing to that. Anyone could decide to call themselves Christian, love/tolerate everyone they meet, go to church frequently and give alms to the poor. But the faith that's at the core of it all; the truth and the commitment. That's the scary part. I think that all members in the religion are looking for this thing, a lot without even knowing it. Some know it from day one (of being saved) and can spend their whole lives rejoicing over a discovery that others couldn't begin to comprehend. But for the rest of us, this truth, and the NECESSITY of committing to it is something that, after long hard lives of struggling and thinking we were doing good enough and sacrificing....it...

Yes. I have a tumblr. Anyway, not the point. This picture. I hate it. It's everything I want and everything I tell myself I can't stand. If someone was to film my life on a summer day, I would wish to see myseld like this. Carefree, beautiful. With the guy...though sometimes I don't even know what kind of guy that would be. But this would be nice. Someone I feel comfortable and daring and able with; Nice and fun and good enough to keep me from drawing back into my world of thoughts an concerns. I would like being in that zone where I trust myself enough and feel trusted enough that together, we could feel like we could do anything we really wanted. We could race down the street, yell at neighbor's dog, scare the crap out of the neighbors cat and act like we were trying to buy liquor. Someone who, like me, knows the boundaries, plays with them, but never cross them. We'd never take ourselves too seriously, unless we needed to. Get into heated arguments abo...